Monday, January 16, 2012

Relationship timeline.

(Yeah, the whole new name for every day thing wasn't working out for me. I was naive.)

The other day as I was explaining something about one of my ex boyfriends to Kiki, she said to me "Diana, I can't even keep these straight. You need to make me a timeline or something."

So now hanging in our room, color coded, with pictures and solid/dashed lines according to official/unofficial relationships, is a timeline with no blank spots since March of 2007.

I like to think that these last few months, which are my first months being truly single in a LONG time, have given me some time to clear my head. Well, if they did, this recent little art project of mine has certainly done a good job plunging me back into an ocean of nostalgia. But not in the way I expected.

I've always heard that you never forget your first love. Usually I'd respond with an eye roll, my inner eternal pessimist reminding me that you can forget any love. But realistically, just because all love can end doesn't mean all love can be forgotten. Whether that's more or less discouraging, well I'll leave that for you to decide.

He's a funny person to miss. It was so long ago, and I thought I'd never really care again, not like this. But the thing is - he was my best friend. He knew me best. He treated me best. What we had was the best. It was the type of perfection that'll make a 15 year old bored, so I ended it.

Myspace is a dark scary place these days, so I rarely think to visit it. But when I remembered and AIM conversation that I had saved from him and sent to myself in a myspace message, I had to see it. In the process, I came across plenty off buried treasures.

We said a lot of cheesy things. He was romantic and I ate it up. It was a little ridiculous to look back on, but it also meant a lot to me. Because it reminded me how much I really did care about him. And in return, he loved me more than probably anyone has since. Under the surface that everyone could see, there was just him and me in a world of dreams and poetry and sunshine. Is it so wrong of me to miss that? Maybe it's wrong that I'm only just missing it now.

Last semester, when I woke up early for work, I would get up in the morning when the whole world was still dark and sleeping, and then walk to work in the cold. When my alarm went off, I experienced what I began to call the 4:30 feeling. The awareness that you will be walking the abandoned streets with not a face to reassure you that the whole planet is not completely desolate. Since then, waking up in general has been hard for me. There's just something so lugubrious and regretful about the morning. 

I was talking with a good friend the other day about the saddest songs I know. I wouldn't say that either of these songs are close to the "absolute" side of the spectrum, but certain songs just have the ability to tug on the all the little strings of your heart and melt anything in between. The point is, sadness is still a feeling, and feelings remind us that we're alive. That's what makes tragedy so beautiful to us.

So that's the mood I'm in. Lower than a snake's belly in the gutter, and loving it.

What do YOU think is the saddest love song?

On a side note, the reason we started talking about it was because we were trying to decide on the best love song ever. I've heard "I'll be seeing you," "That's all," and "la Vie en Rose." My personal favorite is a little less standard: "Passenger Seat" by Death Cab. So simple, pure, constant, comfortable. Everything true love should be :)

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