Sunday, November 27, 2011

Of a bridge-burner.

I've had several people throughout my life that have meant the world to me. Many people never even get to see the types of friends that I've been blessed with in my time. You know how people generally refer to soul mates as someone who you are compatible with in every way? I feel I've had various. And most of them are gone.

My motto in life has always been that people always leave. My experiences and the tests of time have proven that over and over. But this is different. I used to say that I was the one who never left. But I was so naive - I forgot how easy it is to fade away.

I tend to lose sight of the things that are important in life. Especially people that are dependable. Once in a while I find someone who makes me feel special, who's a challenge to hold on to, and I put all my effort and emotion in to them. Then, those people who were once my whole life, they slip away. Next thing I know, the entire bridge turns to cinders behind me before I even noticed the smoke.

It started with my first real best friend. To this day, I maintain that she was the best friend I've ever had. She was perfect. I loved her, and I liked who I was when I was with her. And I laughed til I cried when I was with her, and I was completely carefree. I've only felt that way around one person since. (But even that was fleeting, and the wound is fresh, so we won't get into it.) We went to different schools, so I blamed the distance on that. But the truth was that I was just in a rut in my life, and I didn't put forth as much effort as she deserved. The embers took a while to crumble with this one, but the bridge is gone nonetheless.

Losing her is my biggest regret in life. And that's saying something.

It's happened several times since. Usually because I get wrapped up in something new and shiny and I want to keep it and stroke it all day long. Needless to say, I end up losing those too.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I've been thinking about home. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked to go home. I just feel  for the first time that maybe there's not so much left for me there anymore.

When I was getting ready to move here, all the grown ups told me that high school friendships don't last. That broke my heart a little bit -  I was leaving behind so many people that meant so much to me. Friendships I wanted to last forever, and that I sincerely believed would. When I left, I got a kind of harsh letter from one of my close friends. It brought to my attention some of the things I'd done. Well, I was aware of what I'd done, but he brought it to my attention that he was bothered by it. So here's my confession - that's why I let us drift. I was ashamed and hurt. And I have the suspicion that you might read this, and I know the issue needed to be addressed somehow. And I'm a coward. But I really do miss you. And I'm sorry for everything I did that made me not deserve your friendship.

So that was large friendship screw-up #2. Kind of a package deal, because I messed up two friendships with that one. I still love them dearly, but I fear that they're another pile of coals I've left on the trail behind me.

So home isn't really home these days. It's not where I'm meant to be. Over the weekend, I had began  to think "Provo is my home now." I have great friends here, all of whom I adore, and I missed them tons over the break. But something happened today. I talked to yet another burned bridge, the fresh one. The look in his eyes when he smiled goodbye was probably the most powerful (and painful) expression of a severed tie that I've ever experienced. That's when I realized that here isn't home either.

So what am I doing here? Where do I belong?

I can't get this song out of my head - It pretty much sums things up.

Well, I could give a million more examples of the marred friendships in my past, or I could just give you my word. The point is, the place doesn't make a home. People do. So treat them right, or you'll wake up one morning and realize that you don't know where you belong anymore.

Sorry this is so heavy... I just figured the weight I dropped here would lift some off my shoulders.

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